Netflix & Chill

“Why is that your favorite movie?”

For a moment I hesitated. I had just started being more open to new connections & the last guy I tried connecting with told me I was the weirdest girl he had ever talked to. Which, took me aback since I hadn’t even said anything out of pocket yet. Or so I thought. If I’m being completely honest, I wasn’t that interested to begin with, but I just wanted to give the opportunity a chance. Luckily, it didn’t go anywhere. I was tired of feeling like the bad person & to keep rejecting. Feeling like maybe my standards are too high. But no…

When it came down to it, I craved a genuine soul connection & there are, in fact, men I cannot connect with. A lot of them I call NPC’s. If you don’t know what an NPC is, think back to playing GTA. All the random characters in the game just walking in circles are NPC’s; living black and white lives. I craved color. 

So when I was asked this question by this new guy, I hesitated. I was vibing with him. I didn’t want to scare him off by letting him get a glimpse of my soul. But then again, if he thought I was weird, it’s best to let it show now so that way if he wanted to run for the hills, he did it asap before things got too deep. Sometimes you just gotta say “fuck it” and jump. So I jumped.

I dove into the colors of my mind and painted a picture for him. & even though he didn’t watch many movies, he was curious and open to hearing about my thoughts on the ones that I felt deeply for. & I loved that. We never got to go on our date. We didn't get to meet. In fact, our connection hardly lasted a week. But it was there. 

Maybe he just asked all the right questions. Or maybe I enjoyed being seen. Really seen.

“You fucked up,” Said all the women in my life who continuously make excuses for the men in theirs. Always putting their men above themselves. I would too, for the most part. But not when it jeopardizes the thoughts of my worthiness. 

The soul in me is looking out. Three days with no contact. There was no rhyme or reason. People get busy, I get it. When it came down to it, I knew my man, my future man, would never go a day leaving me confused or questioning how he feels about me. So when I shut that door, I slammed it & deadbolt locked it; like I do with all the men from my past. Men so easily sleep on me, & only see what they have and who I am when it’s too late and I’m already gone. But when I’m gone, I’m gone. As much as I love that I’m capable of doing that, I have to admit as my feet continue to head in a different direction, I am still sad. Even though I keep walking, it still pains me. This is why the talking stage can be a blessing. If you look at it from the right angle, it’s giving you hindsight to what the future of your relationship with this person could possibly be like. 

We vibed, yes. But when it came down to it, I was simply smitten that he let me see those colors of my mind again. & was wanting to know me in depth, as a person and a soul. That’s the connection and intimacy I crave.

We never did get to watch my favorite movie together. But I hope he can rewatch it someday and see it from my perspective and shed a new light on the art of it.

We never met. But our connection reminded me of what they call, “Netflix and chill.” Not in the way everyone sees it, but more intimate. Easily, my walls came down with him much like a bra strap would on those nights dimly lit by the television screen. The energy swirled around us, but only briefly. 

“Maybe you’re meant to be alone,” said a friend of mine. Granted, this friend had it out for me. He had deep feelings that were not reciprocated & loathed me for it. But what he said never left me. 

At the same time, as I continue to walk my path with my hands buried in my leather jacket pockets and my shoulders steady and strong; I know who I am, what I bring to the table, and what I’m worth. And if there’s any hint of me knowing the person I am deserves to be treated better, I don’t care who you are; our journey ends here. 

It was only a week. I’ll be fine. And I am fine. But it was nice to remember how good intimate connections feel. 

I like to sit back and watch myself fall in love sometimes like it’s my favorite movie; enjoying the moment, but bittersweet when it ends. 

Inspiration: True events and the song Movies by Witt Lawry